What do I want? Besides satisfying my short-term pleasures like scratching an itch, going to sleep, over-eating on high-calorie foods or consuming media. What do I want? I want to have a family and at least a couple of close friends. I want to be surrounded by people with similar values, habits, interests and passions. The problem is that I want it all and I want nothing. If only I could hold a singular goal in my mind. Certain things evoke a strong sense of excitement in me from time to time and it feels like this would be worth pursuing but then dissolves like a steam in the air. I wonder if I’m stupid, lazy, both or if I’m just confused, content or what. The truth is that I am not dissatisfied enough, I don’t feel enough pressure, sense of urgency and anxiety. I did feel it at the beginning of this year when I was jobless, but the feeling went away gradually. For more than five months I have stopped watching porn, I exercise regularly, I don’t watch films, shows or play video games, I don’t smoke cigarettes or cannabis, drink or do any other drugs. I wonder if it made any difference at all. I guess it did. It must have. I have plenty of energy to pursue things and my mood is somewhat stable. I can much more easily handle abouts of anger and emotions in general. That has got to be something. I need to be stacking and compounding these and eliminate or limit reverting back or regressing. No mindless consumption. One thing that came to mind that I would really want is to be invested in doing something so much that I forget to eat. That is trully amazing feeling. I want to be a part of something greater, building something meaningful. I love to watch docu videos on state-of-the-art technologies and it is very inspiring and makes me wish that I was a part of such endeavour. As of now I don’t have neccessary skills that would be valuable enough to warrant being there. It’s important to say that in order to be a part of that technological advancement requires utter devotion to one’s education and most importantly to narrow down one’s specialization as much as possible. That is the problem, that and lack of intelligence and agency. I want to live long enough to see the most technological advancement possible. Entertainment